I’m in too deep…

Tomorrow I have an hour long video counselling assessment… It’s safe to say I’m terrified. So I’m sitting here practicing my openings like I should be, right? No… I decided to sit happily in denial and look at film trailers on youtube until I find something I want to watch. I started with film trailers, then somewhere down the line I ended up watching “Orlando Brown, arrested” and then that lead on to “Why Hollywood wont cast Raven Symone anymore” and now I’ve found myself in 2007 watching Miley Cyrus music videos! I’ve gone back a good decade or so and I don’t know how to get back. I’ve gone in to deep… youtube is a bad place! How did I even end up here? I mean seriously how did I end up watching a video about why Hollywood wont cast Raven? I’m starting to worry about myself.

The sad thing is I actually find myself in this position way too often. Around 3am I ended up on the CBBC website playing games we used to play when we were in school. I seem to start of with a purpose and end up watching a video of a cat making friends with a bear from 10 years ago! That’s enough internet for me I think… Someone take this off me!

Happy 14th of February!

It’s that day again… Valentines day. It comes around every year and every year I just as cringed out by it. I am not a valentines fan, purely because I think it puts a lot of pressure on relationships and surely we should show love more than one day a year? Buy me flowers randomly any day of the year and I will be happy, but valentines day takes the specialness out of it for me. The flowers are then something I was given just because it’s a special day rather than to show somebody loves me. I totally get why some people want to celebrate and make a big deal out of valentines and that’s totally their choice but It’s just never really appealed to me.

Having said all of this I did always celebrate valentines day… while I was single. I loved valentines when I was single and I made a big deal out of it. The last valentines day that I was single I had a scream movie marathon with lots of junk food and loved it. It just seemed more exciting being single (I am aware of how stupid that sounds). I am now in a serious relationship and we had to come to some sort of decision about what was going to happen on valentines day. I’m really not one for making a big deal out of it but if he wanted to I would deal with it. We decided that neither of us are big valentines people so we do cute moonpig cards and the Saturday before we go for a meal or to the cinema and then we just sit in watching TV on valentines day night. That suits us and I’ve really enjoyed spending them with him… because we don’t put any pressure on the day.

Okay I am aware how cynical I sound right now. Don’t jump to the conclusion that I’m just not romantic at all because actually I’m really romantic. We do good morning and goodnight messages every day, we go out a lot for dinners and movie dates and when we’re not doing that we just have nights where we cuddle while watching movies. We also take regular trips to a hotel, sometimes not even leaving the city we live in, just so we can get away and have some space and time to spend together (we don’t live together yet). So we can be cute and romantic and we really try to do as much as we can together and remind each other what we mean to each other. I just don’t feel the need to do this on valentines day because I do it every single day of the year. I can honestly say I am happy with or without valentines day. I may not feel happy with him every single moment of every single day of our lives… but I feel very happy and lucky to be with him at some point every day.

Happy Valentines day everyone


Time to breathe…

My surface pro 4 has a fault and has been collected for a replacement. I am on my fifth day without it and it’s safe to say I am extremely sad! I spent nearly an hour on the phone this morning, spoke to 3 different people/departments all to be told their warehouse is running 4 days behind and I should receive confirmation on Monday and info on them delivering a new Surface. I am struggling without it now! I’m writing this on my old HP laptop which is falling apart… really on it’s last legs. It’s taking me forever to write this because I keep having to go back and correct words because it’s getting really slow and the keys don’t always register. First world problems?

On the bright side I said I was excited for Saturday as I could have a day off without anything to do and that’s exactly what I’ve done today. The 6 nations started today so I’ve had a lovely day in bed watching the rugby. It’s been lovely just to sit and think. I haven’t had time to stop and breathe recently! I am very aware I still have a lot to do though. I have placement and work starting all at once which is stressful and Ii have college deadlines coming in fast now! I really should be doing something but I’ve only managed to send a few emails out today. With England currently in the lead 12-9 against France, I can’t afford to take my eyes from the TV to do anything important.


Come on England!

A good night sleep

So, I seem to have found everything that’s important to get done and crammed it into one week. I’ve done lunches, bank appointments, interviews and I’m tired. I still have to work all day and evening tomorrow and then I have college all day Thursday (including a law exam – oops sorry ‘timed assessment’) and Friday I have my weekly personal counselling session and an appointment with my placement to get my security checks done. It’s safe to say I can’t wait for Saturday! I need a lie in! (I’m not 100% sure if it’s lie in or lay in and have spent too much time googling it so I’m giving up). I’m just so exhausted!

On top of all this I’m having to revise for my ‘exam’ and get all of my paperwork done to be able to start practicing. I literally don’t have enough hours in the week to get everything done! Not without going crazy anyway. I just keep trying to think about my lie in on Saturday and how this is all helping my future!

Seemed like a good idea at the time…

When we are little we are usually asked ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’. Children usually answer with things like a princess or an astronaut. I answered ‘A secretary’. As a child I thought secretary’s sat around writing all day and that’s what I loved doing. I have always liked writing.

I got very excited about going to university to write essays and study. I imagined sitting in a beautiful library, at a desk surrounded by books and a laptop. I loved the idea of doing loads of research and reading about something I was really interested in. Well… my lord was I wrong! I’ve now written quite a few essays over the past few years and I can honestly say this was not my experience. I found myself sitting at a library desk, stressing out because none of the books could give me what I needed. I then found myself at my own desk, gone midnight still stressing and this basically continued until the essay was given in. Wasn’t I shocked when I realised that studying for a degree wasn’t quite like it is in films and programmes. I was expecting a fairy tale full of fascinating books in beautiful library’s. What I actually got was late nights and a lot of coffee!

I don’t think I’ll ever love writing essays but what I have found after leaving uni to start my degree at college closer to home, is maybe I need to have a little bit more confidence in my ability to actually write essays. As much as I stress over it being the worst thing ever written and my little cousins being able to write something better – they always come out pretty good. I need to stop stressing!

I may be feeling slightly worn out.

I feel like there is a distinct difference between being sleepy, tired and exhausted! Sleepy is cute, just like oh I’m feeling a bit sleepy but I can still function perfectly well. Tired is a bit worse, like maybe you can’t fully concentrate because you want to sleep. Exhausted is me now. Like zombie mode, can’t make one foot go in front of the other without tripping over my own feet. Like dropping a pen and crying because there is absolutely no energy left to pick up that pen! I’m so exhausted right now and I know that the next week ahead of me is going to kill me!